In the Year 2000…9: Kurtzender’s predictions for the Springfield Music Scene in 2009

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In 2009, the city of Springfield will finally revitalize C-street after an overwhelming amount of poor musicians take over the Missouri Hotel. Lindberg’s and Big Momma’s rejoice.

In the year 2009, Wilson Pickett’s estate will send out secret spies to collect royalty fees from all cover bands in Springfield.

In 2009, Local music promoter Dan Magnum will present a budget plan to the city of Springfield to explain the cost of the music scene with an ungodly amount of statistics and percentages. After newly-hired City Manager Greg Burris sees the plan, he embarrassingly resigns knowing he cannot compete with Magnum and newly-hired advisor Ross Perot.

In the year 2009, California finally falls into the Pacific Ocean after the ‘big one’ hits. Brad Pitt realizes his 27 children need to be fed and decides to move his business interests from L.A. to Springfield. As an effect, The Outland is bought by the Whiskey a Go Go and Aaron Buerge is elected mayor.

In 2009, The economy will finally deteriorate to a point where Wal-Mart steps in and buys Springfield from John Q. Hammons. From this point on, all local musicians will be required by Wal-Mart policy to play a Creed-tribute show at the renamed Wal-Mart Super Q.

In the year 2009, The Bacon Brothers at Randy Bacon, Sept. 5, 9 pm.

In 2009, Hammon’s Field Sam’s Field will host a concert with newly-formed band Can’t Be Too Jumpy. In a twist of irony and after a history of poor city planning, the field with fall thru a sinkhole after a raucous set by the band. Thankfully, no one is injured as a pile of bullshit city ordinances were unintentionally buried there.

In the year 2009, April 1- As a cruel and probably coincidental mix-up, an executive from J Records calls happyendings to tell them the good news about the album release and tour.

In 2009, The Riders of Rohan decide to start an all-bicycle band using modified electric guitars, drum machines and synthesizers on their respective bicycles. The cacophony of sound is heralded as groundbreaking, yet it disturbingly always sounds like Queen’s “Bicycle Race.”

In the year 2009, Music will get dramatically better or worse (the magic 8-ball is cloudy right now) after Myspace cancels unsigned bands’ accounts when the major labels sue every unsigned band as a whole corporation which infringed on anti-monopoly laws. Myspace formally apologizes to millions of amateur bands for “getting their hopes up.”

 In 2009, the city and citizens of Springfield will look to escape reality via the local music after all the retail chains, movie chains and restaurant chains close due to the poor economy. With the music scene no longer seen as infinitesimal, the city repeals the bar ban (Thank You Aaron Buerge), decides to start anew with downtown becoming an entertainment district (Thank You Brad Pitt) and creates a true, publicly-funded corridor between C-street and downtown (Thank You Dan Magnum).

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4 Responses to “In the Year 2000…9: Kurtzender’s predictions for the Springfield Music Scene in 2009”

  1. thederosh Says:

    In the year 2009, DeRosh will light himself on fire in the parking lot of the Wal-Mart Super Q in protest of the city-of-Wal-Mart-ordained Creed tribute show. Creed fans will misinterpret this as a Richard Pryor joke, and they will laugh while they watch him die.

  2. Scott P. Says:

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    i’m gonna read this whole thing again and laugh some more

  3. Dan Magnum Says:

    “…’merica, let’s roll!”

  4. Rev Jeff Says:

    In the year 2009, Rev Jeff and Scott P will finally form a complete band… in December. Then they will release an album, break up, and fall off the face of the Earth like every other Springfield rock band.

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