It must be stopped. Here’s how.

I have a bone to pick and I hope readers will indulge. You see, at my present job I’m subjected to hours of mainstream country radio stations, playing the cream of Nashville’s crop. Well, too much cream will make almost anyone vomit, and Nashville’s might be among the most puke-tastic. After listening to Kenny Chesney, Tim McGraw, Toby Keith (who deserves his own post, frankly), etc., I’ve assembled a quick-hit checklist to prevent our local country singers such as Candy Coburn, Mark Chapman and others from falling into Nashville’s write-songs-by-numbers swirl of drivel. Here goes:

1. Don’t structure your songs like a mid-tempo power ballad. Mr. Chesney, if you somehow come across this the next time you Google yourself, I suggest you take note, too. Warrant didn’t survive the ’80s for a reason, and your songs will end up just as forgettable when they’re dispersed in a sea of the same thing. Write one example of this kind of song per album at most, and then shock the world by not releasing it as a single.

2. For the love of everything made of molecules on the planet Earth, stop with the tearjerking themes. Yeah, we know. Kids are cute, death sucks and time marches on like George Strait’s inexplicable appeal with the ladies. Nashville loves all these things. Candy, Cindy Woolf, et al, please learn to dislike them. They are no longer original, and when heard back-to-back, they’re downright pandering. Country music was founded on the themes of the Old West: hardship, drinking and women/men, along with combinations thereof. Outlaw country went back to these for success, and so did alt-country. They’re still good themes to dip your toes in the water of now and then.

3. Bring back slide and pedal steel guitar. String arrangements are for concertos and for hair-metal cash-in projects. These are often used to enhance the tearjerking themes mentioned above. Consider other, more true-to-the-music options. You’re a country singer, not the soundtrack to Armageddon.

4. Would it kill the country community to try something avant-garde once in a while? Unique song structures? Jazz or hip hop influences? Plugging guitars into keyboards to alter sound? I haven’t seen a rut this deep since Pauly Shore’s film career. It’s the twenty-first century, and even country can be made up-to-date.

Dear Springfield country music community: Take my ranting with a grain of salt or with a firm sense of humor, but whatever you do, please be sure and take it. The next time I have to listen to Sugarland moan another sappy power ballad with twang, I’m throwing something at the radio… and I would hate to ever do that to a local artist.